gauntlet play

The Pursuit has Begun

The Pursuit has Begun

There is a wave of “He’s just not that into you” sweeping America. Many emotionally unintelligent men are being swept out of relationships that they really desire because their senseless actions are being misconstrued as having hidden meaning. An unorganized man can lose out on the dream woman simply because his lack of organization leads to a missed call, a lost telephone number, or even an inadvertent comment.

One blunder can undo years of pursuit. A single “off day” can be the end of a 25 year marriage. Once a man has been labeled with the “not into you” stigma there is no convincing a woman that he is indeed “into you”. All of the red roses in the world, the most perfect gigantic diamond, or even the heartfelt poem will be of no use in convincing a scorned woman that she is indeed loved and desired above all.

The loss on both sides is monumental. There is a silver lining. The almighty American Economy is stimulated through any turbulence. Marriage counselors, divorce attorneys and dating services are making bank from the “He’s just not that into you” wave. There is, however, no substitute for the “one and only”, the “soul mate”, the “yin/yang”, or the “better half”. Chasing the substitute can lead to poverty, loneliness, and desperation.

What to do?

Ladies: give your man some slack. That faux paux can just as easily be swept out as swept in. Don’t judge on a few inadvertent actions but rather on the entire picture. Set the bar much lower realizing how low the male emotional I.Q. is. When a blunder occurs simply remind yourself that he doesn’t really mean what he said the way that you heard it. At least pause a moment and ask a clarifying question. If it really is true that “He isn’t that in to you” after a few clarifying questions you will know and the good news is that your “soul mate” is still out there. Once you really know you must immediately cut all ties. No use going down the road in limboland. Your “one and only” is escaping and you are “yo-yoing” closer to him and then further away because you pursue a “not into me” and “not good for me” man.

Men: Focus! No, I mean really focus! This is important. The “love of your life” is hurt, angry, and disappointed. Do you really want her to feel that way? A few kind words from you might mean everything to her right now. The illusion of a better match leads right back to where you are right now. There is no better match. Now if you feel that she isn’t the one then don’t be cruel. Let her know immediately that you are not her “soul mate”. Letting go allows both of you to get on with the business of finding your match. Those of you that know you have met the “One and Only” need to prepare for the low male emotional I.Q. There is a blunder ahead of you. Knowing that you might create an offense ahead of time is a grand realization. A card sent at regular intervals works wonders if it is done with a note from the heart. Flowers can be tricky as they are attached with a guilt motive stigma that makes them ripe for a misunderstanding. If there is no chance of the guilt card being played then you have the green light. Understanding women is a series of red lights and green lights. Don’t be colorblind. Look for the signals. They burn bright and can be easily spotted if you pay attention. I know from my own experiences about not paying attention to the signals.

Who am I to give advice? I am a man that missed his opportunity at his “one and only”. I am a man that sent the “not that in to you” signal even though I am totally “in to her”. I am a man that has loved and lost. In loving I have done it at a safe distance. Love isn’t about being safe. Love means risk. Risk of rejection is just the beginning of the risks associated with love. The risks run the entire gambit. The rewards also are enormous. How about Happiness? Isn’t that something we should risk for? Companionship? Sharing? Tenderness?

I had my opportunity to throw down the gauntlet and declare “I’M SO IN TO YOU!” I got a green light. I had the perfect moment to say the words and I deflected. Deflection was met with a red light and the moment was gone. I attempted to get the moment back but it was gone – never to return.

This isn’t someone that I just met. No this is an amazing woman that I grew to love. This began awkwardly. I could never have imagined that I would have developed feelings for this woman and yet I have. Our friendship spans a number of years. We began spending time together at events where we would end up bored of the conversation of others sitting and conversing while the party roared on around us. That led to lunches, dinners and bike rides on the beach. Our conversation turned to advice on love that we imparted to each other. At one point the thought of us as a couple was brought up and we both agreed that “we might actually kill each other.” I have often thought “what a way to go.” That sentiment kind of killed any thoughts of “us” as a couple.

When I realized that I was developing feelings for this woman I broke off an affair that I was having with a married woman. The married woman required almost no energy on my part and therefore continued over a three year span. The pattern was lots of phone calls and every three months a rendezvous. When I abruptly and for no apparent reason called an end to it I got a reaction that was unexpected. Because the energy required was so limited the rejection was immense. That triggered the stalker within this married woman who called sometimes five hundred or a thousand times a day. Additionally, I would get two thousand text messages a day. My phone was so encumbered with incoming missiles that I had to take text messaging off of the telephone altogether. I couldn’t have feelings for one woman and continue an affair with another. I felt like in order to allow one pure relationship to blossom into its beauty I needed to let the other forbidden fruit relationship end. Looking back I know that regardless of the fact that “the moment” has passed, I feel good about having been true to myself in ending a “forbidden fruit” nightmare.

I play back the “moment” in my mind over and over and I fantasize about what I would have wanted that moment to be. I think about the result. When the moment ended I would have wanted the “pure relationship woman” to have erased any doubts that I was not in to her. I would want her to know that her secret of being an amazing woman was out. It has been discovered and she can no longer pass as ordinary. Her being an exquisite prize far above all of the rank and file “other women” can remain our little secret if she wills it or I will shout it from the rooftops if allowed. I would want her to know that 2010 is a year where we would be a couple and work toward marriage. At the appropriate time we would get engaged and a rock the size of Gibraltar would weigh down her finger. Time would be necessary not because of her but because of me. Nothing can change a man except for a woman. I need time to rise to become the man she deserves. At the conclusion of “the moment” I would either be embraced or rejected. In my fantasy I get embraced and we live a life of “happily ever after”.

There was no moment because I let it pass. I stopped short. I held back. I failed to act on my instincts because I like the fantasy of where this could lead more than I value the truth coming to light. The fear of being hurt stops me from grasping the gauntlet. Can I really be that selfish? I am afraid that I am. One of the changes I need to make is to stop living for myself. Holding back from letting this amazing woman know how extraordinary she is may be the inspiration that she needs to cling to her hope of a relationship with another man. When we compared notes and gave relationship advice to each other I learned of her desire to forge a relationship with an equally amazing man. So far this union hasn’t happened due to God only knows what. When I hear his name I see the red light. When I hear the name of her past lover I also see another red light. This amazing woman held deep feelings for both men and yet the relationships never blossomed. From what I know I can only assume that these men are idiots. But one of the men I have met upon occasion and he seems to be very well put together. But here we go again equating intelligence with emotional intelligence. No, they are both idiots. They cast away the best pearl. They didn’t recognize who they had in their presence. They took this amazing woman for granted.

That was their mistake. What I lack can be overcome with sheer determination. Leading up to the lost moment was a string of dialogue where she gave me the key to proceed. She wants to be pursued. Knowing her the way that I do she deserves to be pursued. She is the “once in a lifetime” woman. I let the moment pass but I am not out until she says I’m out. There is a fine line between pursuit and stalker. Having been stalked I will not become a stalker. As long as she enjoys being pursued I will pursue. The pursuit can provide me with the time I need to become a better man. 2010 might be the year that I need to ramp up to a “happily ever after life”.


About the Author

Michael Douglas Carlin has been prolific. He has a body of work that includes motion pictures, books, magazines, a distribution company and a newspaper. Michael grew up as the son of parents that owned a lighting and grip company in the entertainment industry. Keylite PSI supplied lighting and grip equipment on Ordinary People, Platoon, JFK, That’s Life, Reservoir Dogs, Back to School, Hoosiers, Boyz in the Hood, and hundreds of other feature fi lms and thousands of hours of television. Michael has always been an avid writer winning 4th place in the 1984 Milton Friedman National Essay Contest. Michael enjoys a career in book publishing that includes his publication of The Entertainment Funding Sourcebook, The Studio White Pages, Media and Entertainment Institutional Investors. In addition to Michael’s professional career he traveled with Sir Edward A. Artis, and Sir James Laws to Nicaragua in 1996 and became a Knight of Malta in a self styled priory, in 1997. Through his association with Sir Edward Artis, Michael has learned much about the plight of the human condition that has given him tremendous insights into the issues that face humanity today. He now is a columnist for the Century City News.

One Comment

  1. Posted July 28, 2015 at 6:49 pm | Permalink | Reply

    Ecominoes are in dire straits, but I can count on this!

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